Pulling the punk card!

Okay, enough playing around, I'm taking this campaign to the next level, and I'm doing it the only way I know how, which is all the way, which is the way to the top of the mountain! OOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHH! If you still don't believe that the Macho Man has what it takes to make you Hail to the Chief, let's see what the other top candidates bring to the table. (Here's a hint, Jack: the answer is NOTHING!)

Yeah, first there's Hillary Clinton. Everyone likes to talk about what a strong woman she is, just because she stood by her husband Bill in times of adversity. Right, supporting your husband when he's President of the USA and gets caught lying about some fat girl snapping into his Slim Jim, that's adversity. The Macho Man wouldn't know anything about marital adversity. I only had the reception following my wedding to the lovely Elizabeth interrupted by Jake the Snake Roberts and the Undertaker! Feast your eyes and mind on that adversity, chumps! Who's Next?

Rudy Giuliani. Ruuuuudy Giuuuuliiiaaaannniii, yeeeeeeaaahhh. Rudy's claim to fame was rehabilitating the image of New York City, as well as projecting an image of strength in the aftermath of the 9/11 tragedy. But the dude's got a terrible lisp. Can the American people put their faith in a guy who talks funny? Ain't gonna happen! I've been everywhere from soaring with the eagles to slithering with the snakes. DIG IIIITTTT!

You want some of this, John Edwards? You're a real pretty-boy, aren't you? The Macho Man has seen his share of pretty-boys: the Rock n' Roll Express, Ricky Steamboat, Tito Santana, Ric Flair...um...Dusty Rhodes...anyway, the Macho Man has buried 'em all! Step to me, John Edwards, and you won't be pretty any more!

So you're talking tough, are ya, Mitt Romney? That's the dumbest name I've ever heard, and I once had coworkers with names like Mantaur and Max Moon. This pencil-neck ain't even worth Randy Savage's time.

I see Al Gore coming a little late to the party. He thinks he's a big man because he made a cute movie about global warming, yeah. Here's the facts for ya, Macho Maniacs! "Spider-Man" destroyed "An Inconvenient Truth" at the box office! Choke on that, Greenboy!

John McCain is a real tough hombre. I'm not gonna lie, nothing but respect for that guy. He's got all this street cred because he survived a POW camp in Vietnam. But has he ever faced the horrors of a Tower of Doom Steel Cage Match? Let me toss out some names: Ric Flair. Arn Anderson. Meng. The Barbarian. Lex Luger. Kevin Sullivan. Z-Gangsta (a.k.a. Zeus). The Ultimate Solution Jeep Swenson. Three-tiered steel cage. Frying pan. The Macho Man came out on top, even though I had to carry that two-faced fool Hogan! Have a little taste of that, and then we'll talk, McCain.

Just to keep things interesting, let's talk about the Reverend, Al Sharpton. There's a lot about Al that seems familiar to me. He is, of course, a reverend. He's always talkin' jive, and he's got an outlandish hairstyle. To be honest, Al Sharpton reminds me of the Reverend Slick. Let's just say that Slick couldn't take on the Macho Man on my worst day, and his best day!

There's a lot of buzz around Sam Brownback, who looks like the candidate of choice for the religious voters. That's all good and well, but Randy Savage believes in the separation of church and state, the way our founding fathers intended it to be, past, present, and far into the future, when we're all living in colonies on Mars, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, yeeaaaahhhh. To that end, I worship only one God: Pazuzu, the Babylonian king of the demons of wind, dig it. Pazuzu is a dangerous creature, so I pledge to keep my personal beliefs where they belong...far, far, from the light of day, in a golden shrine in the far left corner of my bedroom.

Barack Obama? Oh, that man has a dark past, believe you me, yeah. He's got skeletons in the closet that would make Papa Shango tremble with fear. I'm not going near this guy...I'll just wait for the dirt sheets and the muckrakers to do their work and in the meantime, I'll make a few burnt offerings to mighty Pazuzu.

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is lurking in the shadows, just like that treacherous UPS man that keeps trying to bug my house! He's working for Hogan, I just know it! Your uniform may be brown, my man, but underneath it all, your heart is red and yellow, mostly yellow, because all Hulkamaniacs are stinking cowards! Just you wait until I've finished installing my laser-powered motion-sensor flood lights, brother! I'll smoke your ass the next time you try to deliver that "package"! Bonesaw's ready-um, I mean, the Macho Man is ready, always ready, cat-like state of readiness, do not disturb, yeaaaahhhh....

Throwing my brightly colored cowboy hat in the ring.

OOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHH! The Macho Man is back, baby! That's not to say that I ever went anywhere; that's just what I wanted you to think. I've been laying low, waiting for the right time to strike, just like a lion...looking for the right zebra to feast on, yeeeaaaaahhh. That's just what I was doing earlier this week when I was watching TV, stoking the fires of the madness and listening to Katie Couric. The Macho Man is down with Katie Couric, she's a survivor, she's a warrior, 100 percent. Anyway, she starts talking, apparently there's another Presidential election coming up soon. I can swing that, sure. But here's what blows my mind, which isn't easy to do, because my mind is a steel cage, man - it catches everything and lets nothing escape. There are about forty-seven candidates, and there's not one of them that impresses the Macho Man. I just had to jump up and shout at that TV, pull its punk card, brother...I said, "This country's going to hell! Where are all the leaders? Who's going to be the Macho Man of the executive branch and carry this country across the deep, dark canyon of nothingness and forward to glory?" That's when it hit me, right in the head, like a Ricky Steamboat karate chop. Who's a better Macho Man than the Macho Man? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO! I've dropped the Big Elbow on every challenge I've ever taken on...wrestling, movies, rapping, I've beaten it all! Sure, Jesse Ventura blazed the path to glory, but he got soft, gave up after he made governor. That coward Hogan talked a big game about running for the White House in 2000, but he chickened out, just like he always does. YOU'RE A JOKE, HOGAN! But this isn't about Hogan, for once. Not this time, yeah. It's all about Randy Savage, charging hard and taking on all comers to become the Macho President! I am truly a man of the times, a man of all times, and I know that the Internet is the wave of the future! Macho Man is riding that wave all the way to the Oval Office, and I want you along for the ride! Come back here twice a week for updates along the campaign trail...DIG IIIIIIT!